Reality of Grief
It has been 9 weeks since I gave birth to my sleeping baby and I have experienced different stages of grief these past 9 weeks. Those of you who have lost someone so close to you, so special to you know what I am talking about.
The first feelings I felt were shock and that I needed to be strong for my husband and all those others who were taking the loss of Morgan so hard. Why did I feel the need to be strong for others when in reality I only needed to allow myself to grieve properly? Well, I don't have the answer to that question which is probably why now, 9 weeks later I am where everyone else was 9 weeks ago.
9 weeks ago everyone who read Morgan's story, who knew my husband and I were heartbroken. They cried for us, they cried with us. Now 9 weeks later as life goes on everyone moved forward. Yes, great, amazing! Everyone move forward and continue your special life with the memory of Morgan close to your heart. As a mom that is what I prayed and hoped you would all do. 9 weeks ago while everyone had tears falling from their eyes, all I wanted to do was to be strong for them. I didn't want to cry in front of anyone or look as if I was sad. Why? Well probably because I didn't want others to be sad and to cry. I have always been the one who has a smile on their face, who doesn't cry in public or in front of really anyone, the one who keeps trucking on no matter how sad, upset, mad, etc I am. So, that is what I did to the best of my ability.
Now that 9 weeks have gone by and everyone is back to their normal routine, I have found myself where everyone else was 9 weeks ago. I see friends, loved ones, strangers post their new pregnancy announcements, their growing baby bumps and growing babies all over social media. I am so happy that so many friends, loved ones and even strangers have these little tiny babies to love, cherish and to watch grow from being in their bellies to growing out in the real world. I really am happy to see so many of these posts recently.
Then there is the other side where I am also completely devastated to see all these posts. I then begin to question yet again, why this happened to us? Why did God take our baby from us? I more frequently asked these questions to myself and to God. So many people are afraid to say they are mad and upset at God, but yes, I am upset. On the other hand He did answer our prayers and healed our baby, He made sure that he wasn't in pain any longer. I know I will see Morgan again, I will be able to hold him and love him once I get to Heaven when God calls me back home. Until then, I just have to trust in Him and know that He knows what is best not only for myself but also for my family and children.
Last weekend was our due date with Morgan, we spent the day with each other and had professional pictures done to celebrate the short time we had with our sweet little boy. We were also supposed to be picking up our new puppy, Prim, last weekend. Unfortunately, life happens and we were unable to do so. However, this coming weekend we will be welcoming our new puppy to our life and home.
Husband left Thor and I for a week, which is nothing compared to how long we are typically apart for. I have decided to take this time alone and really focus on myself, on my faith and on my love for myself and my family. I am so grateful to have an amazing life, family, husband and friends that I know I can always turn to during any stage of grief I am feeling. I have come a long way from keeping all my feelings bottled up inside to now writing this blog. This blog is my outlet to express any feelings I may have, and any life experiences I come across. I am not here to write something to offend anyone, to please anyone, I am only here to tell my raw life story. If you don't like that I talk about my life, my faith and my family well good thing this is my life and not yours. No one is forcing you to sit here and read my story.
I am not perfect. I get upset at God and times. I pray daily to find comfort and understanding. I laugh. I cry. At the end of the day I never question my faith, I know that God is here with me every step of my life. I know that I can and will always turn to Him in hard times and place all of my sadness, happiness, anger and love on His shoulders so He can carry me each day.
This is my 9 weeks of grief. It's confusing, it's all over the place and it is just a day to day process. I can wake up in the morning and be fine with every post, baby, baby bump I see that day. Then tomorrow wake up see the same exact thing and be a crying mess. Each day is and will always be different. I keep my baby and faith close to my heart and close to my life and that is how I get through each and every day.